REJUVENATED AND YET STILLED

As a result of where my life has led me in these past 7 months or so, lately, I have felt even more so like a caged bird who's ready to soar outside of the confines of her relatively self-built bars. I am thrilled at the reality that I will undoubtedly be going to graduate school somewhere along the Eastern seaboard this fall (although the final 'where' is yet to be decided upon and the finances still need finagling), but I can't help but grow a bit impatient in knowing that I am still months away from that step forward in life taking place. Yes, these 7 months have provided a time of refinement and growth, as well as a new life direction and various opportunities/experiences that came about that I otherwise would not have encountered, but they have also led me to feel as though my life at current is on hold and that it is quite nondescript. In spite of some larger-scale changes (i.e. actually being employed now, hallelujah!) I kind of liken myself to a caterpillar who hides in their cocoon until they can emerge as a stunning butterfly in that I actually find myself wanting to shelter the reality of my life from others until I feel as though it is something that I am proud of, until I'm doing something a bit closer to grand than what I'm doing (and have been doing) now. Over the course of these months, my heart has constantly been stirred with this desire to be somewhere/doing something more grandiose, stemming from a mixture of indignity, ambition, envy, and hope, to the point that now that I'm on the cusp of heading in that direction the idea of waiting any longer makes my heart want to leap out of my chest. I'm being forced to re-learn this idea of patience that I once thought I wasn't so bad at. Increasingly, I've become aware that in the midst of my longings for my future and dealing with its alter-ego, the less-exciting current reality, I really haven't taken the time to focus on other aspects of my life, most notably, my walk with God. To rectify that situation, today I stole away to a place that provided that refuge and breath of life that I was so desperately in need of. I found myself enveloped not only in the beauty of God's creation but also in His peace. It's an amazing thing how such an escape can both bring one to life again and at the same time also subdue certain thoughts and feelings, on both accounts, it was exactly what I needed. I walked away from my brief sojourn knowing that I am blessed to live the life that I do (yes, even in its current state) and trusting that even though I might not be where I intended to be at this point in my life I am where God intended me to be and His plan/timing is ultimately better than my own. I now see these next few months that lie ahead in a different light and I do believe that I will be able to maintain some semblance of patience until I get to take that next step in my life, all while being able to revel in the here and now and the experiences that my current reality presents to me.